Print

VICTORIA, BC. March 20, 2015 5 pm.

The “S.S. Liquor Policy Review” ran aground on a small island in Georgia Straight late Friday afternoon en route from Victoria to the mainland. Tragically, the ship took on water quickly and sank before rescuers arrived. The island is a known marine hazard and is clearly marked on charts of the area as “The Isle of Lack of Consultation”. Early indications are that the ship hit the island due to conflicting navigational information from its two onboard guidance systems, colloquially known as LDB Wholesale and LDB Retail. It appears that a software update known as “Flat Tax” had not been installed, which would have prevented the errors.

The ship went down with all souls aboard, including prominent socialites “BC Food & Wine Culture” and “BC Hospitality Industry”. Also lost was considerable cargo including 12 independent wine stores, the workable profit margins from hundreds of other retail stores and the business models from restaurants throughout the province. The captain of the ship was not aboard, having travelled from Victoria earlier in the day by a private sector helicopter.

Vessels from BC Ferries and Translink were in the vicinity but, unfortunately, were using the same faulty communications systems as the stricken ship and did not receive the distress call. Despite the enormous popularity of the route in its first year of operation, recent sailings had been plagued with mechanical difficulties causing a loss in confidence. Government appeared unprepared for the disaster and, thus far, has indicated that the route will not be replaced. A spokesperson stated: "we have no backup plan ... for the moment, consumers should make the trip from Victoria via Washington state or Alberta".